Breast advice

Breastfeeding... Where do I start?

I am sitting here, expressing milk with the Medela Swing, which has now become my regular sit down buddy whilst watching Netflix.

I still have the ache around my posterior right shoulder blade and underneath my armpit.  Totally posture related aches and pains from carrying my baby boy and from my posture when expressing breastmilk.

I am apprehensive about breastfeeding again.  Never did I think that I would be ummnig and arring about breastfeeding.  My mum asked me again today over the phone where baby was getting milk direct from me or am I giving it to him (meaning has he been taking from the breast or am I giving it to him by the bottle?

I think I get more frustrated than my son, when he doesn't latch on from properly, I am not sure what I am afraid

Im drifting off, whilst expressing here, so will say goodnight

 (written some time in March 2018) but only just realised I didn't post it.

Now in May 28th 2018

How far have me, my husband and baby come...

We attended a Breastfeeding cafe, recommended by all midwives I came in contact with, as well as the breastfeeding counsellor who ran the breastfeeding session for my NCT Antenatal class.  She was amazing, I cried and was hugged many times, and talked about what we had been through in the first 9 days.  

Long story short, immediately following the first visit from the community midwife, She told us he had loss too much weight and is very jaundice, and concerned he was not feeding enough, we took my baby boy (lets call him Baby G) to A&E to have him checked.  He was admitted to NICU for very high bilirubin levels, high enough for them to put him on phototherapy immediately and to monitor and consider an exchange transfusion, after 14 hours in intensive care he was moved to SCBU (Special care Baby Unit) after 4 days of supported feeding, he gained enough weight and bilirubin levels back to safe level was discharged home.

We continued as you would have read in the post above, to bottle feed him my expressed breastmilk.

Since the above entry, my baby boy.. lets call him Baby G has had his tongue tie released.  3 days later we... as in me and baby G breastfeed successfully for the day.  An achievement for the both of us.

The next day we had a birthday party, and it was the first snippet of what a life of a solely breastfeeding mum could look like.  

We had packed everything with intentions to leave 2 hours earlier than we would without a newborn baby, so essentially leaving 3 hours early and ended up arriving 1.5 hours late.  

Where did the time go?  well we got him settled into the pram after just feeding him 15 minutes before and about to leave the house and then he starts hunger crying, going ballistic like we have never heard before..the kind of crying like we have not fed him in days.

So I sit on the sofa and breastfeed him on my left, (the easier side).  My husband asked how long will I be, and thats when it dawned on me... I didn't know, with bottle feeding him my expressed milk, I could easily say 15 minutes, but now, after only 1 day of breastfeeding, I didn't know if it was going to be a 5 minute feed or 20 minute feed.

We had 3 feeds packed in a cooler bag for travelling and for whilst we are at the party, as I am no where close to being ready to breastfeed in public... (at home I would be semi-naked with various pillows)  The bottle feeds would comfortably keep baby G happy for 2.5-4 hours.  This was the kind of "freedom" we was used to.

What I didn't account for was, as I had started breastfeeding him, and we was going with bottle feeding for the journey and the day, that my breasts would become "milky rock cakes!" yikes they got painful, so figured I'd attempt to breastfeed him to give me some relief.

"Attempted" is the word...  I locked myself in a small baby changing room, sitting on a chair that my husband carried in from the cafe, hot and emotional to learn that cos my breasts were so swollen that he struggled to latch on.

So we fed him the last bottle feed and rushed home to relieve the milky hot cakes- phew. 

Now 5 weeks on, we are breastfeeding full-time, and expressing for when I want/need to go out for the day, and when my sister has come over to babysit so we can have a night out to the cinema.  

I will personally share that I am in awe- I have found myself sitting and breastfeeding baby G and feel proud, watching him feed himself, and we're both getting better each time, learning the small things and even just the way he can now just latch on and how I am able to positioning him differently.  

Seems so far away were the minutes that felt like hours/days of hot teary struggles of painful poor latching, and of a hungry frustrated baby, I tried to remind myself at the time that it would get easier with time, but I really couldn't see how and remembering that cos I didn't see the "how" didn't mean that it wasn't going to happen saw me through.

When he is latched on, its very soothing to breastfeed him, he calms me, he teaches me that all is ok, a mutual offering.  I don't hate breastfeeding him, even at 3am in the morning, my main struggle has been dealing with getting too hot when we are both giving off serious heat! Mother natures' design of breastfeeding is quite magical and what breastfeeding offers really is worth the rollercoaster ride I have been on, including the needle in the nipple type pain.

I can totally see why least than 10% of mums breastfeed.  The inconsistency of support for mums who want to breastfeed is something I feel is avoidable.

I feel lucky and proud that of certain choices I made and things I put in place in preparation for the arrival of our first child and for the support and partnership in progress that my husband has continued to give me, led to where we are now.

I had to deal with thoughts and feelings and self judgement about whether my personal wants of feeding my child breastmilk led to his hospital admission, or whether it was a combination of the inconsistency of advice/instruction from healthcare professionals on the post natal ward or a lack of reliable measures to ensure protocols are followed or being fortunate to set up around me beforehand to have the support of family and friends who have shared their journey with me and to offers suggestions?

Ultimately it was the cheerleading and asking for help that I found the most effective, hugs, gentle rubs on the back, the hand on the shoulder which all got me present to how well I am doing and empowering me to trust my "mummy instincts" to make my own decisions and working them through with my husband versus looking for "right" answers from others, and that as new parents we got this!!

Whether breastfeeding is what you choose or not, I salute you and I am open to support you as you embark on your own personal journey of self discovery and of motherhood.

30 Weeks

I am delighted to share that I am 30 Weeks Pregnant with my first child.
With around 10 weeks to go!

Baby bump App tells me that the little one is a size of a Zucchini today! Which I find hard to grasp.  Courgettes (what  call them) vary in size so much that I have got to admit I don't think that I have seen many courgettes that are 39.9cm long!

Anyways, it quite a fun app, that has been helping me keep track of how far along in the pregnancy I am, as after 20 weeks I started to lose count (don't tell anyone)
then I get asked how pregnant I am, and most people don't understand weeks when  I tell them, unless they have been pregnant before or has had a partner that has been pregnant, and then the whole converting to months thing, has now become surprisingly tricky!


Written on 13th January 2018 but not posted

Sometimes

Sometimes......


Sometimes, we complain about being overweight and then find out that someone close to us is dealing with something much more serious in their life, and makes us realise that we are taking our life for granted.

Sometimes we complain about our siblings and hear that our friend has just lost theirs....

Sometimes we moan about our colleagues being late or being moody, and then learn what they have been dealing with and realise that they have actually been pretty amazing considering this.

Sometimes, we wish for a baby boy and got a baby girl, whilst others are simply wishing for a healthy baby

Sometimes we wish for a baby, whilst some wish to find someone who will have a baby with them

Sometimes we complain about how it is raining all the time, whilst other are praying for rain for their garden-haha.

Sometimes we complain about whats on our dinner plate, whilst the cook spent ages thinking what to make and took time to make it.

Sometimes...... we complain about it being way too hot outside, and not realising that we simply were unprepared, and wore warm clothes that day and unaware that we have a choice... we could change our clothes, buy something cooler to wear, or get good at being sweaty!

Sometimes, we are fully aware at how blessed we are, and may struggle to find the words to express our gratitude or feeling of happiness.

Sometimes we go out of our way to help someone who is really in need of help, and then realise just how much we have contributed to their life and their families.

Sometimes we avoid things, when we finally realise that engaging in them is the exact thing that will set us free from the burden we created.

Sometimes the person we are searching for, is right by our side, we simply were too busy looking elsewhere that we missed it.

Sometimes its good to pause....

We can all find 1 thing each day that is truly wonderful in our life.  Count it....

Make it Count

Trying & worrying OR Creating & being excited!

Who would have thought getting pregnant could be experienced as a hard thing... haha the pun was not intended.

Growing up, I feel we as in girls were led to believe that it was so easy to get pregnant and that we must be careful, practice safe sex, and trips to the Brook Clinic for free contraception were something that teenage girls growing up in the 90s know all about.

So why are there ovulation tests to help you know when to do the deed at the best times? pregnancy supplements?  Is this because the reproduction biology lessons went to waste? or are people finding it harder to get pregnant? or are these tests targeted for women above 30?

Even as an adult, the female menstrual cycle is not a 100% clear cut process in my mind.
We learn how to calculate cycle lengths, how to know our bodies.
Yet we know more about what we typically feel and do just before we are about to start out menstrual period, and what we typically experience during our periods than really fully appreciating the miracle our bodies are.

It seems to me now that "trying for a baby" is less heard of, or is it that women talk about it less or feel its a taboo?  people don't use this expression much now.  It seems that women share less about being pregnant until the later stages of pregnancy...I wonder why this is? Is it about being anxious in their first pregnancy? is it because of difficulties in their first trimester? or simply my own personal experience that this is not spoken about much?

Mothers have told me to not to be worried and to enjoy my time and it will happen naturally.  Yet faced with reading and hearing about the concerns and risks of having children past 30 years of age, yet not much about the benefits of having children later in life.

Are these beliefs that have been adopted by society in past decades that encourage women to pursue careers, yet communicate risks of starting a family later in life and now become woven into our thoughts disguised as our personal wants and beliefs?

I had an interesting conversation, and quite an enlightening one.  Where someone shared his take on families and women, equality for women.  Where women have fought for equal rights, and continue to, and how this has had a greater impact on lifestyle as we know it.

His take: Previously when only men went to work, women get to be the respected homemaker/housewife. They get to raise their own children and get to really know them and to provide and be the backbone of their family, men get to provide for their family and be appreciated and respected husbands and fathers to their wives and children.  Then introduce the idea that being "just a housewife" is not enough or simply not respected, introduce an "its not fair" idea, introduce "we are just as good as men if not better" so why not?

Now where companies have created a working team/finances to account for maternity leave for female staff and adjust their working team to account for staff absences during this time, have these adjustments eaten into the salaries of the working men, meaning if only husbands/partners worked, could they be on a larger income that would be the equivalent of both parents working?
Some mothers today would give almost anything to be able to "afford" to be able to stay home with their children.  Feeling forced back into work because they can not afford to not work to bring in an income that would support their family's lifestyle.  Did husbands and father before earn an income that could truly support a growing family?  Or did families simply live according to this income and be wise with their spending?

Couples who both work hard to raise a family could call this the modern struggle, then could this get communicated to our younger population and could this lead to people believing smaller families are better and cheaper? could this have a big impact on population in the future? Would older parents be working right up to retirement age because their children are younger and require financial support?

I've become present to the thoughts, concerns and beliefs that I thought and think are my own, yet realise they were created in our my own head or they were fed/planted to me in communication around me or the people around me.  In magazines, on websites, books and even in movies today, yesterday and maybe even decades before were born.

So what to do...well

TODAY is what we create it to be... When I am present to a concern of mine, I pause to take a look where did I get this concern from....Look how it explains why I think about certain things the way I do, how it explains how I feel about life/people/myself...
Then I choose, drop it and choose a new outlook.... how about one that makes me instantly smile inside?

How about one that is somewhat the opposite to my concern and it now becomes what I am building towards, taking feasible steps and totally excited about!


Goodnight

New Year, New space

There is no coincidence when things pop into your life more than once in a short time period.

I declared I would be doing a massive clear out last month, it has been slowly working its way to today!

Since coming back from our honeymoon, I was delighted to hear my hubby ask me

"Do you have a feeling of wanting to own less?"

Well, Yes!

So, the message was out there in the universe.  I then read on Facebook a fellow friend who's an expert on decluttering post about some work she's doing on decluttering, and it sparks motivation and all the things I remember from reading her beginners guide.

Then at a belated birthday party that I thought I wouldn't be able to make, a casual mention of a big clear out of things following reading THEE book.  What book is this?  "the one everyone is talking about, some Japanese lady her name is something Kondo...

I knew that I would be googling it.

Here I am, after reading only a few chapters last night, I am eager to get started...Well I actually filled a big bag last night, just on my way to the kitchen to do the dishes.  I watched a video of how she folds clothes and boy its pretty impressive and I am excited!  crazy I know!

I remember being showed how to fold towels in California but my host mum Andrea back in 2003, and it has stayed with me since... I love folding them that way and take pride in doing do.

Anyways...best get on with it!

Watch this space! literally

:D

Self Storage (Life In my phone)

Has anyone noticed... more and more storage sites in and around London?  Access Storage, Blue Storage...  seems people do not have the space to store their life anymore.
We are continously demanding more data and more storage on our phones computers etc...
so... my flat currently contains 90% of my 35 years of life (other 10% in my parents attic) so if I think about it, Ive done quite well, its not too cluttered!
but where do I feel my life is stored?...

My phone contains my life....It used to me the purse/wallet that contained the most precious/valuable/important things to us.

If we lost our purse/wallet, cards can be replaced, we'd maybe swear about the cash that was in it, forget about certain membership cards that we would ended up forgetting and most of all, be upset about a sentimental photo that we can not get back.


Nowadays... who has photos in their purse or wallet? new designs don't even have a place for a photo.

It's all on our phone.

Now when I last upgraded my phone, I specifically waited a week to have a higher storage on my mobile.  A week feels a long time in the mobile upgrade world.  But I knew it would be worth it.  I intend to be using this phone for the next 2 years, its gotta last me that long, and the storage has got to keep up with the amount of photos and apps I'm going to be taking and downloading.

64GB of data.... Lost!

So what happened?

well the home button, did not recognise my finger prints, non of the 4 prints that I took the time to save.  Then it did not recognise my backup password.  I entered several failed attempts.  Waiting for my google retrieval to pop up, but it didn't... Instead a message saying that I had 3 more attempts and then my phone will be wiped.
Somehow I didn't really believe that it would wipe my phone.

I googled what to do to unlock my phone, and foolishly in my heighten panicked state, followed instructions to use android device manager and locked my phone, even though it asked me to input a new password.  upon entering this new password into my phone, I successfully wiped my mobile phone!

64 GB gone!  photos, videos, apps, games, email set ups GONE!
tears on in my eyes.... I close them tight and the word F**k F**kF**kF**kF**k
and then open my eyes, then close and repeat.

I start thinking of all the things on my phone that I have no other record or copy of.
namely my honeymoon photos!
This can't be real, there must be a way! I search online for recovery apps/software.

I end up downloading 4 different ones

Surprisingly 10 minutes later I am somewhat calm, quietly confident that there is some geniuses out there that have created a magical and clever software to protect idiots like me from their idiotic behaviour.

 Each of their software downloads came with their timely connection steps, scans steps and then unsuccessful recovery....  requiring money or registration keys etc...

Oh how I hate downloading freeware or using sites that I don't know... I knew somewhere along these actions I could end up downloading crap that installs ad pop ups and internet search engines that I don't want and clog up my laptop.   Seems so far that they were easily removed on my macbook pro, be sending to the trash.

so... 3 hours later... not any good news yet...
the unsuccessful recoveries.... leave me with the same end message that I need to "Root" my phone... bloody hell what is this?

more googling... more crossing my fingers...

I've turned off my wifi and my data....afraid that my phone automatic updates will somehow wipe my previous status deep in my phone somewhere.

So now I am going to sit tight...  it was the heighten panicked state that also got me into this situation.

I am going to call Samsung support tomorrow.  Find out officially what I am to do.
I am going to bed knowing that all those memories could be lost forever.

Is it the end of the world? Hubby G tells me that I will still have the good memories up there (pointing to my head)  this doesn't stop the swearing or tears, but now writing this... I almost feel that the letting go, is somewhat liberating...
not feeling attached to photos/videos reminding me of who I was with, and where, what I ate, what I looked liked on a particular day, if I looked good or not? or what I wore that day.

So onto my call with Samsung in 7 hours or so...

until then.... I am going to relax...
استرخى (esturka)

(a arabic term for relax that I learnt at work this week)

....I still have me, my health, my family and my hubby G

my life

46 days & 47 nights

46 days and 47 nights

This will be 8 weeks post Honeymoon.

Whats so significant of this date? well according to health websites, this is the time in which any couple planning any pregnancies should wait, following travel to countries/areas of high for Zika Virus.   Further research into this virus shows that it has been around for over 50 years.  It has become news to us in the UK following an outbreak in South America and the links between this disease and birth defects discovered for women who had the virus whilst pregnant, however the main reason we know about this virus is because of the Olympics.  There was talk of possibilities of not holding the games there because of the risk of contracting the virus and some athletes chose to stay away because of this.

It is quite extraordinary really, when faced with some facts of what has been going on in a country, some will choose for their own valid reasons to travel or not travel.

I have always been one to typically to continue to travel.

Being 35 years old, I have come across many variations of warnings about risks of having children after 30 years old.  Increased risks of birth defects and Downs Syndrome.  Working in healthcare where I come in contact with only sick children, makes one truly see the miracle and blessing of having a healthy baby!

There are some that simply wish for the baby to be a boy/girl, to fulfil their all time dreams of parenthood to that particular sex of child.  Boy or Girl is merely 1 aspect when one is faced with frequent warnings of risks.

Daydreams and imagination is a powerful skill to have.  They can mould our feelings and outlook on life.  Faced with the possible dooms and glooms of pregnancy post 30 years old... where are the joys? what happened to excitement? It is wise to be prepared, however is the worrying and living life with fingers crossed actually creating this underlying gloom/doom?


You google 30 years and pregnancy and see what you get...
I instant message my hubby and the emoji/sticker replies perk me up.  I feel better, because of an emoji sticker? wow...

I get distracted and start daydreaming into creating my own emoji stickers to express myself.  When I browse through the many different sticker albums I can purchase, none really capture what I want to express in the cute/fun yet sometimes wicked way in which I want to communicate.

Now my energy and focus is on creating my own.  I've registered to create my own, and have reviewed specs for the images, and now its down to me... whether or not I actually get down to creating them or is this a mere week's distraction from the possible glooms.

I calculated the income (after all fees and taxes) for each time my sticker album is purchased and it varies between 21p-42p depending on what I price them at.
Who knows where this venture will take us?

Well there are 46 days and 47 nights to utilise on this... hahaha