Breastfeeding... Where do I start?
I am sitting here, expressing milk with the Medela Swing, which has now become my regular sit down buddy whilst watching Netflix.
I still have the ache around my posterior right shoulder blade and underneath my armpit. Totally posture related aches and pains from carrying my baby boy and from my posture when expressing breastmilk.
I am apprehensive about breastfeeding again. Never did I think that I would be ummnig and arring about breastfeeding. My mum asked me again today over the phone where baby was getting milk direct from me or am I giving it to him (meaning has he been taking from the breast or am I giving it to him by the bottle?
I think I get more frustrated than my son, when he doesn't latch on from properly, I am not sure what I am afraid
Im drifting off, whilst expressing here, so will say goodnight
(written some time in March 2018) but only just realised I didn't post it.
Now in May 28th 2018
How far have me, my husband and baby come...
We attended a Breastfeeding cafe, recommended by all midwives I came in contact with, as well as the breastfeeding counsellor who ran the breastfeeding session for my NCT Antenatal class. She was amazing, I cried and was hugged many times, and talked about what we had been through in the first 9 days.
Long story short, immediately following the first visit from the community midwife, She told us he had loss too much weight and is very jaundice, and concerned he was not feeding enough, we took my baby boy (lets call him Baby G) to A&E to have him checked. He was admitted to NICU for very high bilirubin levels, high enough for them to put him on phototherapy immediately and to monitor and consider an exchange transfusion, after 14 hours in intensive care he was moved to SCBU (Special care Baby Unit) after 4 days of supported feeding, he gained enough weight and bilirubin levels back to safe level was discharged home.
We continued as you would have read in the post above, to bottle feed him my expressed breastmilk.
Since the above entry, my baby boy.. lets call him Baby G has had his tongue tie released. 3 days later we... as in me and baby G breastfeed successfully for the day. An achievement for the both of us.
The next day we had a birthday party, and it was the first snippet of what a life of a solely breastfeeding mum could look like.
We had packed everything with intentions to leave 2 hours earlier than we would without a newborn baby, so essentially leaving 3 hours early and ended up arriving 1.5 hours late.
Where did the time go? well we got him settled into the pram after just feeding him 15 minutes before and about to leave the house and then he starts hunger crying, going ballistic like we have never heard before..the kind of crying like we have not fed him in days.
So I sit on the sofa and breastfeed him on my left, (the easier side). My husband asked how long will I be, and thats when it dawned on me... I didn't know, with bottle feeding him my expressed milk, I could easily say 15 minutes, but now, after only 1 day of breastfeeding, I didn't know if it was going to be a 5 minute feed or 20 minute feed.
We had 3 feeds packed in a cooler bag for travelling and for whilst we are at the party, as I am no where close to being ready to breastfeed in public... (at home I would be semi-naked with various pillows) The bottle feeds would comfortably keep baby G happy for 2.5-4 hours. This was the kind of "freedom" we was used to.
What I didn't account for was, as I had started breastfeeding him, and we was going with bottle feeding for the journey and the day, that my breasts would become "milky rock cakes!" yikes they got painful, so figured I'd attempt to breastfeed him to give me some relief.
"Attempted" is the word... I locked myself in a small baby changing room, sitting on a chair that my husband carried in from the cafe, hot and emotional to learn that cos my breasts were so swollen that he struggled to latch on.
So we fed him the last bottle feed and rushed home to relieve the milky hot cakes- phew.
Now 5 weeks on, we are breastfeeding full-time, and expressing for when I want/need to go out for the day, and when my sister has come over to babysit so we can have a night out to the cinema.
I will personally share that I am in awe- I have found myself sitting and breastfeeding baby G and feel proud, watching him feed himself, and we're both getting better each time, learning the small things and even just the way he can now just latch on and how I am able to positioning him differently.
Seems so far away were the minutes that felt like hours/days of hot teary struggles of painful poor latching, and of a hungry frustrated baby, I tried to remind myself at the time that it would get easier with time, but I really couldn't see how and remembering that cos I didn't see the "how" didn't mean that it wasn't going to happen saw me through.
When he is latched on, its very soothing to breastfeed him, he calms me, he teaches me that all is ok, a mutual offering. I don't hate breastfeeding him, even at 3am in the morning, my main struggle has been dealing with getting too hot when we are both giving off serious heat! Mother natures' design of breastfeeding is quite magical and what breastfeeding offers really is worth the rollercoaster ride I have been on, including the needle in the nipple type pain.
I can totally see why least than 10% of mums breastfeed. The inconsistency of support for mums who want to breastfeed is something I feel is avoidable.
I feel lucky and proud that of certain choices I made and things I put in place in preparation for the arrival of our first child and for the support and partnership in progress that my husband has continued to give me, led to where we are now.
I had to deal with thoughts and feelings and self judgement about whether my personal wants of feeding my child breastmilk led to his hospital admission, or whether it was a combination of the inconsistency of advice/instruction from healthcare professionals on the post natal ward or a lack of reliable measures to ensure protocols are followed or being fortunate to set up around me beforehand to have the support of family and friends who have shared their journey with me and to offers suggestions?
Ultimately it was the cheerleading and asking for help that I found the most effective, hugs, gentle rubs on the back, the hand on the shoulder which all got me present to how well I am doing and empowering me to trust my "mummy instincts" to make my own decisions and working them through with my husband versus looking for "right" answers from others, and that as new parents we got this!!
Whether breastfeeding is what you choose or not, I salute you and I am open to support you as you embark on your own personal journey of self discovery and of motherhood.
